


the weight of malinchony

by amxrillys



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Failed Suicide Attempt, Hurt/Comfort, Suicide Attempt, i wrote this as a vent help, kanata is here too but they only mention him once, rei just needs to work on himself ok he's doing his best, sorta character study?? idk, uhm happy birthday rei???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:41:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27347548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amxrillys/pseuds/amxrillys
Summary: UNDEAD burned so brightly, they might even turn his darkness into light
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	the weight of malinchony

November was always a bit sad, for Rei. The first two days were sad, then there was an interval of one day, the third of November, and then the rest of the month went back to “normal”.

For an immortal, a birthday is meaningless. Just another day, a date that signs the passing of time, the clock ticking but never stopping, for Rei. Clocks stopped all the time, around him. Since he was little, he hung around cemeteries, lands of stopped clocks, giving advice to adults, because he was smart. He was smart and people seeked his help because he had been cursed with that burden. But it seemed wasted, now, that time. Humans tried to escape from the stopping of the clock, but all that Rei seeked was exactly that. For his clock to stop. 

On his eighteenth birthday, Rei thought about stopping the clock himself. But then he got caught up in Trickstar’s revolution, and the thought escaped his mind. The year after that, Alkaloid and Crazy:B occupied all of his time. But now, on his twentieth birthday, Rei didn’t have any distractions.

It was a tempting thought. Like the forbidden apple for Adam and Eve. His clan wanted him to become the next heir, because Ritsu was young, and he wasn’t fit. And, more importantly, they weren’t scared of him. Rei, afterall, was a monster, both for humans and for his own family. 

Truth was, he wanted to fit in somewhere. Finding a place where he didn’t feel like a monster, where he didn’t have to be the next heir of the Sakuma family. A place where he could just be Rei Sakuma, a normal twenty years old. But that place didn’t exists. Monsters aren’t graced by God. Monsters weren’t missed, nor needed. 

A scoff broke the silence of the dark room. Rei looked up to the ceiling, wondering how would it feel to just scream out every single burden that his heart kept hidden. How would it feel to punch the wall, hurting his fist. Having a valid reason to cry. He suddenly felt like he was into deep waters, and with each wave, he sunk. Slowly, he was getting underwater, and the weight in his heart made it difficult to rise back up. 

It was becoming too much. Rei was getting tired of fighting against the tides. For a second, he thought about letting the water reclaim him, symphatizing with Kanata. But he should’ve known, that the second he hesitated, the water won. The weight of his burdens was too much, and the surface was getting out of reach. Rei didn’t fight it.  
Kaoru had a itchy feeling, like someone was watching him from behind. No one was there, though, since his back was against the wall. He gulped down, anxious, for no apparent reason at all. 

When his phone rang, he jolted, fumbling with the device, already in his hands. 

“Doggy?” he asked, hoping his slight apprehension wasn’t so evident through the phone.

“‘M not a fuckin’ dog. Anyway, not the point. Is that vampire bastard with ya?” the younger boy asked. Kaoru recognized an hedge in his voice. He was anxious, and suddenly, a weight sunk to his stomach.

“No, why? Are you lonely, doggy?” he tried to crack a joke, but he felt wrong. The lack of grunted reply, unusual, made it sound even more wrong.

“Yer lucky I’ve already asked ‘round and yer my last resort. I’m not fuckin’ lonely, it’s just that he isn’t pickin’ up his damn phone and he isn’t in his damn room. Figured he’d be with you, celebratin’ or whatever” 

The itchy feeling grew into a nauseous feeling. Kaoru felt his head spin, and he closed his eyes.

“No, he isn’t with me. Are you sure he just didn’t go out for a walk? It’s already dark out, maybe he wanted to- I don’t know, do something” Koga’s breathing grew more labored.

“Yeah, okay, got it. Ya don’t wanna help, should’ve known. I’ll let ya know if-”

Kaoru shuddered. He and Sakuma-san weren’t alike. But there was a thing that drew them closer, even if they never addressed it. They both had a certain darkness inside. Kaoru’s lightened up a bit, lately, but Sakuma’s just got darker and darker. He suddenly felt a wave of panic and nausea overcome him.

“Shut up, Koga-kun. Let me try calling him, okay? If he replies I’m gonna text you. Just- don’t panic” he said. The last bit was a whisper, a reminder meant more for Kaoru than Koga. 

The other didn’t commented further on it. “‘Kay. Let me know if he says anything. Hakaze-senpai” 

Kaoru ended the call, running a hand through his hair. He took a deep breath. ‘It’s fine’, he told himself. He was just overreacting. 

He looked for Sakuma’s contact, he hit the call button with way too much force and he brought his phone to his hear with a shaking hand. One ring. Two. Three. 

“Fucking c’mon” he pleaded, closing his eyes. Four. Five. 

“Kaoru-kun?” 

Kaoru let out a breath that he didn’t know he was holding. 

“What the hell? Doggy tried to call you but he said you didn’t reply. Don’t go make everyone worry like that! C’mon, where are you, I’m getting you back home” he rambled, getting up from his bed, looking for his jacket and keys. 

“Oh...I didn’t hear my phone. You don’t have to come, I’m fine. Just… taking a walk” 

Kaoru knew enough about “night walks” to realize that Sakuma wasn’t fine. 

“Where are you” he repeated. It wasn’t a question. It wasn’t a request neither. He never ordered Sakuma-san to do anything, because he felt wrong. But now he really just wanted to get him back home. He wanted to see him, to be able to reach out to him, grabbing his arm, if he wanted to. 

Rei didn’t answer. There was a noise, in the background. Repetitive. Something clicked in Kaoru’s mind.

“Are you at the beach?” he asked. If he had to play detective to get Rei home, so be it. 

No reply, again, but now Kaoru could clearly recognize the familiar sound of the waves hitting the shore. 

“Stay were you are. Don’t do anything, i mean it, don’t go near the water and if you’re already in it, get the fuck out. I’m coming to get you”

He closed the call, feeling stupid when he saw his reflection starring back at him from the black screen. Maybe he should’ve kept talking with him, maybe he shouldn’t have been so mean- well, it was to late to think about that. He had to hurry.

While he ran towards the beach, a route that he could follow with his eyes closed, Kaoru texted Koga, saying that Sakuma-san was at the beach.

From: Doggy  
To: You  
Tf is he doing at the beach

From: You  
To: Doggy  
Doesn’t matter, Im going over there. Maybe heat up the room a bit, if you can

The November’s air was unforgivable. Kaoru felt his lips drying up and his hears sting, but he didn’t stop running until his shoes hit the soft sand. He looked around, apprehensive, trying to spot Sakuma-san in the dark. He thought about calling him again while walking on the empty beach, but then he noticed someone in the water. The waves hit his chest, but he didn’t seem phazed by it. He was looking down, at his hands underwater, while the rising moon made him look ethereal. 

Kaoru wanted to call out to him, but the words kept stopping on his tongue. It felt wrong, it looked like a ritual. Sakuma-san was sacrificing himself, but Kaoru knew he was sacrificing himself to himself. No one wanted him, needed him, gone. Kaoru never said that, and now he realized his mistake.

“Saku- Rei-kun!” he finally called out, fighting the urge to just run into the water to get him out. He still was pretty close to the shore, he wasn’t in danger. Yet. 

Rei wanted to walk towards him. He made a step forward, then stopped. The water was cold, and his limbs felt almost as heavy as his chest. Maybe he was meant to sink. 

He sent a smile towards Kaoru instead, to greet him one last time. But Kaoru wasn’t having none of it, and he hopped while taking of his shoes.

“Fucking idiot, I told him to get out of the water- he must be freezing”

With a deep breath, Kaoru walked towards Rei, ignoring the pungent pain that the coldness of the water was causing him. Just for how long had Rei been in there? And how could he resist for that long? 

Kaoru took Rei by the hand. “C’mon” he said. “Let’s get you out of here”

Rei’s hand were naturally cold. Something about him being too tall and the fact that the blood couldnt get to his hands properly. But whan Kaoru took them, they felt dead. Almost as if he was holding a corpse. 

Rei let Kaoru guide him out of the water, he let Kaoru take off his jacket to cover him. He let him put an arm over his shoulder, sustaining him, and he followed Kaoru to Starmony Dormitory. 

Neither of them said anything. They didn’t talk when Rei stumbled because the cold in his leg was too much. They didn’t talk when Rei started to tremble so much that Kaoru had to hold him closer. They didn’t talk when Kaoru took the keys from Rei’s trembling hands. 

Koga and Adonis, though, talked. 

“Where the fuck were you?”

“Sakuma-san, are you alright?” 

Kaoru shot a glance towards them, shaking his head. Adonis closed his mouth, looking rather worried, while Koga took some steps towards the two of them. Kaoru raised an hand, stopping him.

“Bring me a blanket, Doggy, he’s freezing. Adonis, could you go get the bath running? Warm water, not too hot. If his pressure goes down it’s the end for him” 

The two guys nodded, leaving Kaoru and Rei alone. The room was silent, but Kaoru didn’t mind it. Rei, instead, felt like the room was filled with his shame. 

“I’m sorr-”

“Don’t. Don’t say it. You have nothing to be sorry about, we - I - should’ve realized it sooner. I’m gonna go with you in the bath, okay? You don’t mind or would you rather have Koga or Adonis?” Kaoru asked, stroking Rei’s arms, trying to warm him up a bit. Rei nodded.

“No, you’re fine. I don’t think I’ll be able to face Koga and Adonis alone” 

Kaoru smiled a bit.

“It’s okay, we can talk to them later. They were worried, you know? Doggy called me, they thought you were with me. Next time, do that, okay? I’m a better helper than the sea” 

Rei laughed a bit, but the look in his eyes made Kaoru believe he would’ve had to try harder than that. Rei wouldn’t change his mind just because he helped him one time.

“The bath is done” Adonis said, opening the door. Kaoru nodded, smiling at him, hoping to comfort him a bit. 

Kaoru took Rei’s hand in his, and Rei tightened his hold. If Kaoru would ask him why, Rei would’ve said that he was just looking for warmth.

The bath was warm, Rei noticed. It made him feel protected. Kaoru sat next to the bathtub, letting his fingers touch the surface of the water to check the temperature.

“Can you wash yourself? We can talk a bit, if you want” the younger boy said, putting some soaps on the hedge of the tub. Rei raised his arm to take one and wash his hair, but the trembling didn’t stop yet. Kaoru nodded, taking it for him and scrubbing his scalp for him.

“Isn’t this- uncomfortable, for you?” Rei asked, his voice above a whisper. 

Kaoru shook his head. ‘Not if it’s you’ he thought, but he didn’t said it out loud.

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Do you wanna talk about what happened? Why were you in the sea at six in the afternoon in this cold ass November night? Kaoru asked, running his fingers through Rei’s hair. They were incredibly soft, much to Kaoru’s surprise. 

Rei’s lips formed a straight line. 

“You don’t have to” Kaoru reassured him. “I- I just want you to know that you can come to me whenever you want. Even for the dumbest thing. I’m here. Adonis and Koga are here too. You have other friends. You’re not alone, Rei” 

Kaoru knew that the other didn’t feel like that. The feeling of drowning, when it cease to make you choke, takes out every comfort you had. But he was determined to make Rei realize that he had support. He could get better and be happy, like the rest of them. 

Rei fell silent, and Kaoru let him collect his thoughts, while washing his hair and his body. 

“I just felt like I couldn’t take it anymore” Rei muttered. Kaoru nodded, letting him continue. “Everything I did made me want to punch the wall, doing anything felt like too much. I blamed it on the sun, but I’ve always thrived in winter. I don’t want to live forever, Kaoru-kun” he choked out, bringing his hand to his chest, clenching his heart. “I want it to stop beating. I wish the hourglass that keeps me alive would just break. I want the clock to stop ticking. I want to be human” 

‘But you are’ Kaoru wanted to say. But Rei didn’t believe it, and repeating it over and over again wouldn’t help.

“If it hasn’t stopped yet, there’s a reason. Death is a human thing, if you crave for it you’re as humas as me. There’s time to discover humanity, Rei-kun. Don’t throw it away” 

After that, the room fell silent, except for the occasional move of the water when Rei’s body trembled. By the time they were done, the trembling stopped. 

“I’m gonna bring you some clothes, okay? Stay here for a sec, I’m gonna be quick” Kaoru said, smiling at Rei and placing a hand on his shoulder. Rei nodded, and let himself sink further down in the water. He couldn’t drown in there but, for some reason, he didn’t feel the need anymore.  
When Kaoru entered in the room, Koga almost jumped on him.

“How’s he?” he quickly asked. Kaoru kept walking towards the dresser, looking for some warm clothes.

“He’s… well, he’s alive. He needs to be with someone now, do you know if he likes movies? I’d like if we could spend some time with him for a couple of days” 

Adonis cleared his throat, catching his bandmates’ attention.

“One time he said he’d like to watch some new movies, since he hasn’t had the time to catch up on them” Kaoru smiled at him.

“Thanks, Adonis! While I go help him dress himself up, could you two write down a list of movies? Please, put Pacific Rim on my behalf” 

Koga nodded, running out to get a piece of paper.

Rei breathed hard, looking at how the surface of the water changed. Kaoru had left him alone for just some minutes, yet, Rei felt that unpleasant feeling creeping up on him again. 

He could just get his head underwater, stop breathing for just five minutes. It was so simple, and yet he couldn’t do it. He hit his head against the tub, choking out a sob. He hated not being able to follow through what he had planned. He shouldn’t have replied to Kaoru’s call. He should’ve went out earlier, freeze to death earlier. 

Even if it was night, Rei felt robbed of all energy, like he just walked for hours under the midday sun. He couldn’t really understand why, since usually he felt well even after one of these… episodes. 

When the door opened, though, Rei understood. Kaoru was bright. Everyone else was bright and they were all slowly burning the darkness inside him into light. Turning from a monster to a human was painful. It made him feel hopeless, like he was losing himself. Did he really wanted to stop being a monster? Did he really want to leave all he knew behind? He could just die as a monster and save everyone that pity party. 

“C’mon, Rei-kun, get up. I brought these, I hope they’re alright? I’ll help you, come here” 

Rei took the cloth Kaoru was handing out for him, and then sat down on the sink. Kaoru dried him up, sliding in a jumper on him. Once Rei was completely dressed, Kaoru started drying his hair. Rei felt strangely at ease, like what he imagined a kid would feel, when his mum helped him get ready for bed.

Once Kaoru was done, they looked at each other for a bit.

“I mean it, Rei. You can come to me, whenever you need”

Rei didn’t want to go to him. He didn’t want Kaoru to let him go, because he was scared. He didn’t want to be alone again, he wanted to feel like this forever. Protected, next to Kaoru.

“Got it” he said, instead.

Kaoru took his hand again, and they walked back to Rei’s room. 

Koga perked up when he saw Rei, and the man smiled at him. Adonis gave him a blanket, and Kaoru wrapped it around his shoulder. Rei felt like crying.

They were all so bright, and they were burning him to ashes. 

Was he allowed to rise from his ashes again?


End file.
